I’ve learned several important facts about Port Charles’ residents in the past two weeks. 

1.  Jason will never need to look for a job.  He will always have a clientele should he embark on a lucrative career as an assassin-for-hire.  Four different times, in a matter of days, someone came to him and asked him to kill Manny.  Heck, even Elizabeth, the present saint of the show, knocked on his door to ask for the “favor.”  He could be raking in the money big time if he went into private practice.  No one would question his credentials.   

2.  Graves are the best place to spill your soul.  Sam has now joined the ranks of grave confessors.  This trend is most popular along the mafioso, but Port Charles’ finer have been known to shed a fear tears at the dearly departed’s tombstone from time to time.  I’m glad Sam switched confessors from cold stone to the warm, yummy priest after only a few minutes.  He might get me in confessional daily, and I’m not even catholic.  

3.  Sam is capable of considering others.  Without the help of aforementioned hot priest, I don’t think we’d ever have guessed Sam could move beyond the self-centered rage she’s been projecting for months.  Good god, let’s get her to think about why Alexis has done the things she’s done rather than irrationally call her selfish every two minutes.  I’m positive I heard a hallelujah chorus when the priest said Sam should thank Alexis for giving her up.  Yes, Sam, yes, she was bloody 16 years old—maybe she wouldn’t have done a great job of raising you at that age.  Maybe, even with your evil adopted mom, you ended up better off than you would have. There is NO WAY to know, so stop blaming Alexis for a decision made at the same age you were probably agonizing over what dress to wear to the winter formal.   

4.  Motherly feelings can’t be suppressed, even when the mother has no idea she’s related to the daughter.  Yes, yes, Alexis is becoming quite protective of Sam.  I certainly can’t understand why, other than that some sort of biological radar suddenly flashed on.  Either that, or she’s just a  much better person than me, because I would wish many plagues upon someone who’s been as hateful to me as Sam has.  And she may have a point about Jason being a bit abusive—so many of us have commented on how the character of Sam has shriveled up as of late.  Maybe this is the writers trying to dig themselves out of their own hole.  “Yes, Charles and I have been setting up this great storyline about emotional abuse all along!  Really, we meant to have Sam lose all her spark and self-independence so we could set this up!  Really, we did!  It’ll be Emmy material for both Steve and Kelly!” 

5.  The virus is still lurking in the hospital.  How do I know, you ask?  Because Noah was showing the classic symptom, conveniently acting out past traumatic experiences near someone who might soon have a relationship with you.  Yes, yes, wasn’t it lucky that Bobbie happened to be there to play the role of Noah’s wife?  Hey, maybe Bobbie and Noah should get together!  Gosh, those writers are sneaky! 

6.  Carly really has grown up.  It was fabulous to hear her let into Sonny and Emily.  I loved how she spelled out all the ways their relationship would and has hurt people but “all that matters are your precious feelings with Emily.”  Woohoo!  Tell them girl!  When you have children, responsibilities, family, sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for those you love.  And to see Carly preaching to Sonny about it was great.  After that, he just seemed like a snotty-nosed child, refusing to give up his blanky.   

What will I learn next week?  That grieving friends end up sleeping together faster than I can kill a houseplant?  Jax and Carly did it; Nikolas and Maxie can’t be far behind.  Or maybe that Carly still carries around her baseball bat for emergencies?  She definitely seems poised for some hardcore intimidation of the young, innocent Emily.  Who knows?  And more importantly, will we care?

By: The Gourmez

To write to The Gourmez about this
column click here.