Is there a single person who’s watched General Hospital longer than five years and did not rejoice at the return of the Helena portrait?  I can’t wait to see the grand dame steaming at seeing herself insulted in this way yet again.  There are few things I relish more than a good spar between Luke and Helena.  The seductive play, the mutual respect, the mutual hatred.  Oh, it’s good fun!  But can Luke handle two ice queens at the same time?  Who cares?  I’m just relishing the idea of Tracy and Helena existing in the same scene.  I think they might spontaneously combust. 

I hereby demand that the nickname “Little John” be banished.  No child should be forced to bear such a horrible nickname (on many different levels), especially when he’s going to have a hard enough time explaining why his coloring is the complete opposite of Daddy Jasper and Mama Carly.  Even more so when he starts spouting quotes from Machiavelli in kindergarten.  Cassadine genes will not be suppressed! 

Let’s take a moment to reflect on Carly.  I’ve known her since the beginning and I’ve seen all three of her reincarnations-Tamara, Jennifer, and Laura.  Sarah Brown’s Carly was exciting and fresh and terribly tormented by her own self-hatred.  I was happy to have her, but I sure never rooted for her.  Tamara’s portrayal seemed to make Carly shrink in some way, but I can’t really blame that on her--close proximity to Sonny seems to make every character less interesting and fun.  Jennifer seemed fine for the brief time I saw her but I really don’t think I could imagine her as Carly for long.  It just wasn’t a good fit.  Laura Wright, however, has completely won me over.  She’s got the sass and brass of Sarah but she’s managed to bring the last several years of maturing and learning into the character as well.  I feel like Carly has become someone I can actually wish good storylines for…until I remember that she has her own children who never see her. 

By the way, how, exactly, did Jax manage to get a restraining order against Nikolas?  In what way has Nikolas threatened John to make a judge believe that he shouldn’t come within a mile of him?  Maybe I just didn’t realize that anyone could get a restraining order against anyone else with no grounds whatsoever.  If that’s the case, can we hit Guza with a restraining order to stay away from the GH writer’s room?  The script needs a lot more protection than John any day, and I think we have a number of years’ worth of evidence to support the case. 

Which reminds me, I’ve been mulling over a lot of questions these days: 

1. How did Robin, Patrick, and Noah get put on staff at General Hospital?  I don’t remember seeing a job posting anywhere.  I understand that Robin had no life in Paris, but didn’t Noah and Patrick have one before she smoked them out of their holes?  Patrick seemed to be doing pretty well wherever he had been practicing. 

2. Does Bobbie still own the brownstone?  Because I know a nice young couple needing to rent a room that’s far away from crazy villains and young convicts.

3. Is Alexis and Sam our first mother/daughter pair sleeping with the same man in GH history?  Oh wait, I already forgot about Bobbie and Carly.  Anyone else?

4. How is it possible that Sonny and Jason both love Emily more than each other?  I think it can’t really be true or we’d be experiencing an apocalypse right about now.  Maybe they are hiding their secret affair from Emily?

Here’s to another week of hospital scenes, Luke invoking Helena’s spirit, and Sonny showing his sympathy for others by freaking out about sleeping with Alexis and Sam.  What, she’s your mother?  That’s horrible for me!  Oh yeah, guess it sucks for you too.

By The Gourmez