February 11, 2007

I hate that the time has just not been there to write.  By the time I work out, do the mail, take care of home and family and post everyone else's work, it's time to sleep and wake up and do it all over again.

I keep marveling at how different my life is now than it was before and there are good things and bad things about it, so I am just rolling along on the track, doing what needs to be done.

I did start a new novel, this one about life in Grizzly Flats.  It's part autobiographical and part fiction.

I am still working out and more of that will go into my Change of Life journal, which will come up right after this.

Look at all of those "I" sentences.  Wow.

There is still no snow, which is not completely unusual for this time of year.  The lack of rain is, however, but we've gotten back on track with that this past week.  I think it started on Thursday and has been going ever since. I love it, truly.  Eric keeps a nice fire going most of the time and for the time being, I'm grateful that the temperature is not low enough for it to change into snow.

Poor David.  My son was supposed to come up and babysit while Eric and I went out, but when he went out to get into his car, there was no car.  Someone stole it, evidently.  He lives in a gated apartment community and it's just a little dinky Corolla, but gone it was, along with his CD collection and new stereo he'd just had installed.  I feel so sad for him. 

I am feeling a need to redecorate my house a bit.  It changes the feng shui and energy of the house to move things around a bit.  I can't really do much with the furniture.  The house is shaped in such a way that the furniture only fits in one configuration, but I can at least move the fountains and figurines and gee gaws around a bit.

I guess I am looking to change the things I can change.

Eric has been working at both jobs, delivering the mail and working at his electrical business.  He has a substitute do his part of the mail route 2-3 days a week while he goes off to do rest.  Financially, it works.  We've been barely not getting by since he went to only doing the mail and even with paying the sub, we're finally starting to make ends meet.

It has been hard to do so.  I don't like having to work 6 days a week, even for a few hours a day.  Eric doesn't like having to drive to Sacramento and even further to work.  I guess grownups have to do things they don't want to do in the greatest interest of the family sometimes.  I keep trusting that we will find the balance and still be able to do the things we want to do.  I can sit here and whine about how my life isn't want I really want it to be or I can get done what I need to get done and be thankful for the new successes and joys I have rather.  I can lament what I've "lost" or I can appreciate what I have now.

For the past several years, I have worked hard to be an active participant in my life instead of just being tossed around by the events that happen in it.  I like to believe that the experiences we have happen for us and not to us as a negative thing.  Life changes can be perceived as "bad" when we aren't getting what we want or think we need when in actuality, they are exactly what we need to create certain personal connections, internally and externally, that will be understood later.

Like the old gospel hymn says, "We'll understand it all bye and bye."

It's not my time to yet understand why I have been led to this place, but I am definitely going to do my best to succeed at what has been placed before me.  As the insight I got about my weight loss today told me, it's not required that I understand all of the aspects; it's only required that I do what needs to be done.  I think that often we get so bogged down with trying to analyze what brought us to where we are and why we've previously failed at the same thing we're doing now that we fall into the "analysis is paralysis" trap.  We get so busy over-thinking and evaluating that we fail to keep on walking and doing.  There's something to be said for cerebral work, but there's just as much to be said for just shutting up and doing what has to be done.

That's where I am now, trying to find the joy in how my life is right now.  I've been successful overall, which is nice.  I can see the benefits of working harder on the house.  I can see the benefits of doing the Grizzly Flats mail for Eric.  I can see the benefits of working out every day.  I can see the benefits of being "out there" in the community.  All of those points were instrumental in taking me to the next place in my life and for that, I am grateful.

I'm also very, very eager for my trip in July to the GH Fan Club Weekend.  I wasn't sure for a while if I'd be going and at one point, had decided not to even try.  Life changed and situations changed and now I am excited to be going and sharing that experience with Delena.  The more I think about the idea, the more eager I am to cover over the bad experiences from last year with good experiences from this year rather than letting last year be my most recent memories of the trip. 

Last summer was just such a suck time anyway with several of my friendships going through shifts and readjustments, not to mention Eric having one hell of a midlife crisis that I didn't even know if we were going to survive.  That coupled with the heat wave and several painful realizations did not make for a fun time.

This year, I feel much more stable in my relationships and I don't feel as though I'm going to have any surprises (except good ones).  The people who I know are attending with me are ones I know I can trust completely and that is a big part of being able to just relax and have a good time. 

So that is exactly what I plan to do, plus if things go as they are now, I should be itsy bitsy teeny weeny and full of energy.  That should make the heat a lot more bearable.

I'm still here. I write 100 or so postings in my head every week.  Every time I post an entry, it is with hopes that I'll soon be around more often.  Maybe sometime I will.

Be particular,


Artist: Josephine Wall

Graphics: Enchanting Designz