I hate that the
time has just not been there to write.
By the time I work out, do the mail, take care
of home and family and post everyone else's
work, it's time to sleep and wake up and do it
all over again.
marveling at how different my life is now than
it was before and there are good things and
bad things about it, so I am just rolling
along on the track, doing what needs to be
I did start a
new novel, this one about life in Grizzly
Flats. It's part autobiographical and
I am still
working out and more of that will go into my
Change of Life
journal, which will come up right after this.
Look at all of
those "I" sentences. Wow.
There is still
no snow, which is not completely unusual for
this time of year. The lack of rain is,
however, but we've gotten back on track with
that this past week. I think it started
on Thursday and has been going ever since. I
love it, truly. Eric keeps a nice fire
going most of the time and for the time being,
I'm grateful that the temperature is not low
enough for it to change into snow.
My son was supposed to come up and babysit
while Eric and I went out, but when he went
out to get into his car, there was no car.
Someone stole it, evidently. He lives in
a gated apartment community and it's just a
little dinky Corolla, but gone it was, along
with his CD collection and new stereo he'd
just had installed. I feel so sad for
I am feeling a
need to redecorate my house a bit. It
changes the feng shui and energy of the house
to move things around a bit. I can't
really do much with the furniture. The
house is shaped in such a way that the
furniture only fits in one configuration, but
I can at least move the fountains and
figurines and gee gaws around a bit.
I guess I am
looking to change the things I can change.
Eric has been
working at both jobs, delivering the mail and
working at his electrical business. He
has a substitute do his part of the mail route
2-3 days a week while he goes off to do rest.
Financially, it works. We've been barely
not getting by since he went to only doing the
mail and even with paying the sub, we're
finally starting to make ends meet.
It has been
hard to do so. I don't like having to
work 6 days a week, even for a few hours a
day. Eric doesn't like having to drive
to Sacramento and even further to work.
I guess grownups have to do things they don't
want to do in the greatest interest of the
family sometimes. I keep trusting that
we will find the balance and still be able to
do the things we want to do. I can sit
here and whine about how my life isn't want I
really want it to be or I can get done what I
need to get done and be thankful for the new
successes and joys I have rather. I can
lament what I've "lost" or I can appreciate
what I have now.
For the past
several years, I have worked hard to be an
active participant in my life instead of just
being tossed around by the events that happen
in it. I like to believe that the
experiences we have happen for us and
not to us as a negative thing.
Life changes can be perceived as "bad" when we
aren't getting what we want or think we need
when in actuality, they are exactly what we
need to create certain personal connections,
internally and externally, that will be
Like the old
gospel hymn says, "We'll understand it all bye
It's not my
time to yet understand why I have been led to
this place, but I am definitely going to do my
best to succeed at what has been placed before
me. As the insight I got about my weight
loss today told me, it's not required that I
understand all of the aspects; it's only
required that I do what needs to be done.
I think that often we get so bogged down with
trying to analyze what brought us to where we
are and why we've previously failed at the
same thing we're doing now that we fall into
the "analysis is paralysis" trap. We get
so busy over-thinking and evaluating that we
fail to keep on walking and doing.
There's something to be said for cerebral
work, but there's just as much to be said for
just shutting up and doing what has to be
That's where I
am now, trying to find the joy in how my life
is right now. I've been successful
overall, which is nice. I can see the
benefits of working harder on the house.
I can see the benefits of doing the Grizzly
Flats mail for Eric. I can see the
benefits of working out every day. I can
see the benefits of being "out there" in the
community. All of those points were
instrumental in taking me to the next place in
my life and for that, I am grateful.
I'm also very,
very eager for my trip in July to the GH Fan
Club Weekend. I wasn't sure for a while
if I'd be going and at one point, had decided
not to even try. Life changed and
situations changed and now I am excited to be
going and sharing that experience with Delena.
The more I think about the idea, the more
eager I am to cover over the bad experiences
from last year with good experiences from this
year rather than letting last year be my most
recent memories of the trip.
Last summer was
just such a suck time anyway with several of
my friendships going through shifts and
readjustments, not to mention Eric having one
hell of a midlife crisis that I didn't even
know if we were going to survive. That
coupled with the heat wave and several painful
realizations did not make for a fun time.
This year, I
feel much more stable in my relationships and
I don't feel as though I'm going to have any
surprises (except good ones). The people
who I know are attending with me are ones I
know I can trust completely and that is a big
part of being able to just relax and have a
So that is
exactly what I plan to do, plus if things go
as they are now, I should be itsy bitsy teeny
weeny and full of energy. That should
make the heat a lot more bearable.
I'm still here.
I write 100 or so postings in my head every
week. Every time I post an entry, it is
with hopes that I'll soon be around more
often. Maybe sometime I will.