You can have it all, you can have a ball.
Just remember, be particular.

Kacey Jones, c2001

January 3, 2007

Talk Fast, OK, here I go.

I have about 30 minutes before I have to go up to bed.  After 30 minutes, I will be well on into the "I'm going to be half dead tomorrow" bedtime and I really can't afford that because I have junk to do.

I've had a lot of junk to do lately, it seems, because I am behind on site postings and projects I want to get rolling for Eye on Soaps.

Today, for instance, was the kids' first day back to school after Winter Break. It made everyone very happy.  After I did the mail (3 days worth of backed up mail is a sight to behold and I never did get to the bulk mail - that's the trash mail you don't even want, snail mail spam), I drove downtown to deposit Eric's check and pick up a new microwave.  Mine died and I have learned they are not luxuries, they are necessities.  As I was leaving the bank, Eric called and said he needed oil for the car, so I went over to Kmart and when I was leaving the parking lot (having driven across the parking lot), I heard the ding ding ding sound the car makes when a door is left hanging open...except that no door was left open.  While I figured out what was going on and what that searing smell was coming into the vents (thinking it was the car in front of me), my gaze wandered over to the temperature gauge and saw that it was pegging out on hot.  Pulled over into a parking space at Bank of America and called Eric.  Of course, the thermostat was out and of course, he was upset because his back is also out and he was almost done with work and was in a lot of pain.  So he had to collect the kids from school and drive down to town (40 minutes) to rescue me and fix the car.  Fortunately, a Kragen Auto Parts store is in the same parking lot.  I had to sit for about an hour and a half while he got kids and finished delivering the mail and drove down.  I was so tempted by things like pizza, Jack-in-the-Box, Mexican food and such restaurants around, not to mention a big ol' honkin Albertson's grocery store behind me with all the foods I love just screaming at me to eat them since I was so bored.  I id not succumb.  I just sat there like a dunce wishing I had my Jill Connor Browne books on CD with me.

After he got there with the kids, it still took well into an hour and a half for him to get the thing fixed, so I took the kids into the pizza place and got them dinner and let them drown a few quarters in the arcade.  They were good boys, as they usually are and I only had once slice of pizza (reasonable slice, not gigantic) and half a bread stick.  I am starting the upside down diet tomorrow where you eat your biggest meal in the morning, moderate lunch and a bowl of cereal for dinner. 

Finally, he got the car rolling and we got home around 6:30-7:00 or some ridiculous time well past the 3:30 time I wanted to be home.  Grrr.

Then I found out I have to go BACK to town tomorrow to get the stupid tires rotated.  Do I LOOK like the kind of person who wants to spend the whole afternoon getting tires rotated?  There's not a god-blessed thing around the tire joint either, so once again, I'll just be sitting and sitting and sitting.  Grrr.

There have been a lot of personal challenges lately.  Eric quit smoking on the 1st of January and Goddess bless'im, he's been so loyal and steadfast in breaking through the toughest parts of it in these first few days. As anyone knows who has quit smoking or been with someone who has quit smoking, it's no party either for the quitter or anyone else around them.  Aggh.  Then he threw out his back and has been in total pain for a couple of days, which isn't doing any of us any good.

On Friday, he has to go "walk a job" that he is bidding that is 3 hours away from here.  It's going to be a real chore to do, but will bring him in a good amount of money and will help make up for the pay cut he took to deliver the mail. 

I found out that a person who used to be my friend lied to me about some fairly important things and that really hurt.  I'm pretty much over it and in retrospect, I'm not really surprised, but still, there's not much I hate more than to be deliberately misled or lied to.  To all indications, she is no longer in my life, so it's really just a matter of healing and taking the lesson and moving on.

I mean, what can you do, really?  It can be so hard to make amends with things that happened in the past, even the recent past.  I had a friend recently tell me that our town is too small for people to be holding grudges and that got me to thinking.  Isn't there a profound difference between holding a grudge versus learning a lesson?  If someone shows you repeatedly that they are only using you for what you can do for them, isn't it the better part of discretion to separate yourself out from that relationship unless you are willing to just be used?  If someone consistently is rude or abusive to you, isn't it just personal discernment to not engage that person, at least not on a regular basis?  "Believe people when they show you who they are the first time."

There is a tradition in Wicca that prior to entering into the "circle," which is the sacred area in which a celebration/ritual will take place, a "guardian," who is the person who make sure that the energies flow in a pure and clean fashion and that the people who are entering the circle do so with good intent, asks the person, "How do you enter this sacred space?"  The "password," so to speak, is to tell the guardian that you enter, "In perfect love and perfect trust."  These words are a concept that have been long explored in Craft, likely as long as they have been said.  What exactly does it mean?  Of course, it is not always possible to perfectly love and perfectly trust everyone in the circle area because sometimes, this is happening in a public ritual environment where you're working with people you do not know personally.  Basically, it means that you come into the area with a clean heart, good intentions and no malice toward anyone there.  It's a very good premise (although I think it would be much cooler and more direct if they just said, "Do you enter this sacred space free from malice, with good intent and a pure heart?" and we have often said just that at our own rituals to remove the ambiguity.  I mean, how often does a person really examine how they are feeling or what energies they are bringing into a spiritual interaction, such as church?  Anyway, what I am going for is the idea of "perfect love and perfect trust" in its purest form and that makes me think of that whole thing of "Believe people when they show you who they are the first time."

Another phrase that is a Dr Philism is, "If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you."  Why would we be surprised by the behavior of someone when we have personally witnessed them behaving that way toward others?  When someone treats us poorly in some fashion, why are we surprised when they do it again?  How often do you hear someone say, "I've given _____ so many chances and I've gotten screwed over every time!"  Yet often, if we draw the line and say, "No more," people act as though we are assholes. 

I am very big on not giving anything I am likely going to later resent giving.  I don't say either "yes" or "no" on reflex when I'm asked to do something.  Granted, there are some people who pretty much have a free pass with me and when they ask me to do something, if I can manage it at all, they're going to get it.  That doesn't mean I won't ever say no, it just means that they are more likely to get results from me than the average person and trust me, they have earned that gratuity from me.

If I can't give something, especially my time and energy, with love, then it usually doesn't get given and I have found that often, that doesn't sit well with other people.  I'm starting to find my peace with that, but it's not always easy.

Also, my unwillingness to engage people in interaction who have hurt me or treated me badly is often seen as me being mean or otherwise rude.  If someone shows me 2-3 times what they are capable of doing in terms of behavior and it turns out that is not an energy I want to invite into my life, then I back off quickly and re-establish the dancing distance in a heartbeat.  It doesn't mean that I like that person any less; just that I'm now aware that the first time or two was not a fluke and that this is behavior that they accept from themselves on a routine basis, which doesn't mean I have to.

I think perfect love and perfect trust means that you can love someone and absolutely trust beyond a shadow of a doubt that they will truly be themselves or one of the many aspects of themselves.

I still marvel when people tell me that I am intimidating and I always wonder what it is that brings them to that assessment of me.  Is intimidating another word for "asshole?"  Is it because I am very specific and direct about what I expect from the people around me and when that isn't what I'm getting, I disengage?  Is it because I have no patience for playing guessing games with people who are too reticent to speak their minds and be forthright? I tell you honestly, I hate having to play the game and pull out of someone what they're really trying to say or really feeling or really upset about while they beat around every bush in the county.  I do not pursue people.  If someone is pouting, they are likely going to end up sitting there until they work up the spunk to come over and tap me on the shoulder and talk to me directly.  If I say, "Is something bothering you" and get, "*sigh*  No...it's nothing...really..." and a coy look, then pfft, it's nothing, screw it.  I tend to take people at their word (which is why I got blindsided by the person who recently misled me).  I also take people at their silence.  If they don't believe in their thoughts or feelings enough to give them voice, calmly and specifically, then to me, it doesn't exist.  I guess that's kind of hateful, but again, I hate to play guessing games and have to get a brain bleed trying to figure out what's bothering someone when they are obviously distressed about something, but are just sitting by, pickling in their own agony.

The worst, I think, is the ever popular, "Well!!  If you don't know..."  More drama and games.

Tra la, let's go eat cake.

I thought as I got older, I would become more patient and understanding of people, but I have found that quite the opposite is true.  I have found that meeting people is like buying new shoes.  Some you try on and your feet slide into them like old friends and you want to wear them forever.  Some, you instantly know are not your style and you dismiss them and never think about them again.  Some look so pretty you're just dying to have them but they are so damned uncomfortable you can't stand to wear them, no matter how cute they are.  Some look just right and feel good in the store and for a while after, but once you've broken them in a bit, you wonder what you were thinking when you bought them because now they're leaving blisters everywhere and don't go with any of your clothes.  Some you want right up against your skin and some require very, very heavy socks.  Some make you look a little prettier and stand a little taller.  There's no reason why you should have to buy or even try on every shoe in the store.  You don't even really need more than a few pairs of shoes.

Sometimes, you just have to go through and clean out the shoe closet.

And with that, more than my 30 minutes has passed, so I am going go sleep the sleep of the intimidating and righteous. 

It's good to be king.

Blessings upon all of you and by all means, be particular.

Katrina