June 30, 2006
Don'tcha Hate It When...
...you bury this bad guy alive and HE gets all the screen time? ...and an earthquake picks just that moment to happen, resulting in his death before you get the info you were looking to get from him? Doh!
...you're sitting having a drink with a friend and your ex-husband comes in and gets all high and mighty with you?
...you find out your husband tried to drop a ton of dry wall and building crap on your nog?
...you have to kiss David Irizarry in a scene? (Everyone together... "Awwww!")
...you think your son might not share your DNA?
...you give your baby away and can't get her back?
...you perjure yourself in court to make sure your alcoholic husband doesn't have to pay for his crime (attempted murder!) and then the friends of the woman who went into a coma, almost died and almost lost her baby as a result don't wiiiike you?
...everyone in town knows you aren't who you think you are except you?
...you abort a baby fair and square and someone else saves him and he grows up to be just like you?
...you get bumped from a tenured contract status to recurring while 4-5 virtual unknowns are handed contracts?
...your daughter goes away a toddler and returns less than two years later as a teenaged juvenile delinquent?
...the wife you tried to kill isn't eager to put out again right away and you have to cry to get her horny?
...you're making out in a hospital room with an old, bitter nurse and your grandpa walks in?
...you're happily engaged to the man of your dreams and his ex-wife just won't stay dead?
...you find out the baby your wife aborted without your consent is not only alive, well and handsome, but might actually be a better doctor than you are?
...your husband isn't there when you wake up from a coma because he's off helping the mother of the guy who almost killed you?
...you have an emergency c-section at 10 months gestation and don't even lose your taut little tummy?
...you get back into your right mind after being in a brain fog for months, but have to continue pretending to be mentally challenged so your wife won't be sad?
...you finally hook up with a tasty, red-haired bird who isn't the sloppy seconds of everyone else in town and she breaks up with you for no reason whatsoever?
...you are a boxer and you get your ass (and your hand) thrashed? Whoda thought it could happen?
...you bang the handsome new doctor and it turns out he framed your husband for murder, complete with execution? (doh!)
...you're in a coma and people still come in and talk you to death?
...you get the hottest boyfriend you've ever had, then go blind and can't see him?
...you're boyfriend's euphemism for coming to see you is, "I gotta go check on something."
...the guy who framed you is so good YOU begin to think you are guilty?
...the guy from the Kentucky morgue has a Louisiana accent?
...you try for years to find out who killed your father, only to find out that it's the hottest guy on the show?
...you have to time share your girlfriend with a guy you can't stand because she's really two people?
...you can't seem to find a boyfriend who isn't enthralled with your arch enemy, even when she is just coming out of a coma and can't talk right?
...you have a party for all of the people who supported you and the guy who framed you for murder and is banging your ex-wife thinks he's invited too?
...you have a stalker and he uses a flimsy butterfly to represent you instead of something cool like a fox.
...you finally give into passion, bang your stepson and the church's roof literally caves in on you? How much does God have to hate you to have that happen?
...AND you're pregnant? Oyvay! All aboard for the Hell Express!
...you are just getting ready to mack on the hottest doc on staff and your best friend comes and demands that you to clean up your ex-husband's mess (broken glassware, broken bodies) yet again?
...you go skinny dipping with a guy who is your boyfriend's arch enemy and get caught?
...you start to fall for your con artist husband and the love of his life returns?
...you are reunited with your child who was hidden from you by two people who were afraid your grandmother would be a danger to him, only to find out your grandmother is a danger to him and have to send him away with someone you barely know?
...you insist that your best friend give up your sister because his life is too dangerous for her only to find that your life is too dangerous for your girlfriend who doesn't even have a brother any more to insist that you break up with her?
...you finally get the manic depressive storyline you've been lobbying for literally years to play and it's so poorly written that the nation fast forwards through your most intense scenes and will only briefly see them in the Emmy reel?
...you shoot the drug dealer, but find out the guy behind you actually shot the drug dealer and you shot out the street light?
...you go on maternity leave, have a baby and have to come back to work and be pregnant again?
...you steal drugs to try and get the seduction of someone else's husband well underway and fall under suspicion for stealing drugs? (Good thing they didn't know about the blackmail!)
...you find out it's not as much fun to be the Godfather of the mob as it looked like it would be?
...you finally open your heart (and your legs) to someone and find that not only can you not stand him, but he's also a manwhore?
...you're cocky and swaggering in the Markham Islands and your ex-wife literally drops out of the sky and kicks your complete ass?
...the opening credits for one of your favorite shows are all spazzy and seizure-inducing? Dave Koz must be rolling in his grave.
...the dialogue you are forced to say to Max when you go to help Sonny sounds exactly like the dialogue Frederick von Frankenstein says to Igor and Inga in "Young Frankenstein" just before he goes in to tame the monster? (See below for the uninformed*)
...your boyfriend keeps calling you by his dead wife's name?
...you're the young stud on the show, but all of the old foxes are way hotter than you are?
...you're all out of ideas and the show is over for the week?
*Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do NOT open this door.
Inga: Yes, Doctor.
Igor: Nice working with ya.
[Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The Monster wakes up]
Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [from the other side of the door] Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!